So alone

Rick went out of town yesterday and I instantly felt so alone. I have a house full of kids but my relief from myself is nowhere in sight. He was supposed to come home tonight but there were no flights home. He'll be here sometime tomorrow...who knows when. I keep trying to tell myself that this is good for me and blah, blah, blah. Deep down I know it is but I feel like I've been holding my breath since yesterday and I won't be able to breathe until he comes home. I try to convince myself that I'm "coping" but deep down I don't think I am. I'm just holding it back until he gets home. I feel suffocated and trapped. Sitting here fighting back my emotions and trying to stay strong when I really just want to cry. I can't do that because I have no idea where that will lead so, I hold back my tears and push on.

I hate when I feel like this because I get so resentful. I resent all the people that just live their lives without these fucked up thoughts and go where ever they want without thinking twice. Why can't I have that?!

The book I've been talking about

Here's a link to the authors website:
http://dontpaniclive.com

Back to my regular scheduled events:)

So today is my first day at home with just the little ones. The older kids had all last week off school and Rick had most of last week and yesterday off so it's been a while since I've been home alone. I woke up a little stressed out about it but tried to reinforce some of the things/ideas I've been reading about in my book. I think it helped. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now.

I just wanted to post a quick something like I did yesterday. I don't really have the time right now to sit and write about everything that's going with me but wanted to let you know I'm still here:) I'm hoping to have the brain power to sit and type it all out soon. Until then.......