On tilt!

I woke up this morning on tilt. On tilt is what I refer to feeling "off". That impeding doom feeling. The constant state of anxiety. I try to figure out why or what could have caused this. It's normally something I'm anticipating or a bad nights sleep that makes me wake up like this but I don't feel like any of those things apply to today. I think it's a combination of a lot of different things today. We're supposed to take the kids trick or treating with my friend and her family. They live about 15min from here. I've been there a few times before. It always makes me nervous but I haven't had any bad panic attack going there... yet:) Since Liz (my friend) is a fellow agoraphobic, I feel pretty relaxed being around her. It's the commute that is stressful. I also don't feel that comfortable walking around. I don't like being far from the car or house. I like to feel like I can retreat quickly. I'm always worried that my legs are gonna lock up and I won't be able to get myself back to my "safe place". My husband is also cranky today. That makes it extra hard for me. I feel really sensitive to people's moods. When they're having a bad day, it effects my mood in a negative way. I think he's getting tired of the way life has been for me lately. I know he has a hard time understanding what I'm going through. I can understand that. Half of the time it doesn't make sense to me either. I just wish I could make him and the rest of my family understand what it feels like to be me. What a constant struggle it is just to exist. I get tired easily and usually take a nap when he and/or the kids get home. I know it makes him angry when he comes home and I'm napping. He sees the house a mess and dinner not cooked and probably resents me. The thing is, that just makes it worse for me. I already feel an overwhelming pressure to get better and be normal. Him getting angry just compounds that feeling. I feel like I can't be me when I'm around him and the kids sometimes... most of the time. I don't want them to see that I'm failing or disappoint them when I can't do something. It just sucks!! I feel like my mind is so jumbled right now. I really just want to crawl back in bed and wake up when it's over. If only it were that easy:)

Just Another Day...

So, today I wake up dreading the day like usual. I wake up feeling stressed about all the things that need to be done and not having the drive or energy to do any of them. It's the same deal, day after day. I used to be the kind of person to keep my house spotless. I was always cleaning and doing something. It made me feel good and in control. Over the last couple years that has all changed. After my last huge "relapse" with my anxiety, I got really depressed. I thought that I was over being like this. I thought I had gotten past it. It was like a slap in the face to realize the amount of control this disorder still had on me. The last couple years have been a real struggle for me. I feel like I've lost the will to do anything. I WANT to do them, I just can't get myself motivated enough to do much and just don't have the energy . Some days, I feel like I can hardly do more then sit at the computer for fear that if I get up and move around, it will cause my adrenaline to surge and I might have a panic attack. When I do get up and attempt to be productive, I get exhausted in a short period of time. I feel like it's all I can do to exist here in this life, in this body, in this mind. This only snowballs into making me feel like a crappy mom and a crappy wife. I know my husband gets frustrated when he comes home to a messy house and sees that I've accomplished nothing. The thing he doesn't understand is that sometimes that's all I can do. I wake up in the morning and look at the clock, hoping that the kids have slept in as late as possible. In my mind, the later I wake up, the shorter amount of time I will be here "alone". Not all days are like this, but most are. I feel like I'm just anxiously waiting for the day to be over... day after day. Damn, I hate this life!!! I want to be the person I used to be. I want to be able to function again. I feel like I've been fighting for so long. I'm getting tired. Why can't I just be like everybody else? What am I so afraid of???

Where to begin...

I don't really know where to begin so excuse me if my thoughts and words are hard to follow. I've never blogged before and am not very savvy when it comes to computers. This will be a learning experience for me to say the least.

The reason for this blog is to hopefully help myself get better and to be a resource for other people like me. I know firsthand how isolated and alone this disorder can make you feel. I've spent many hours trying to find information and resources related to my condition and have had little luck. I've come across a few blogs but most haven't been updated in months/years. I just feel like I NEED to know there are other people out there suffering with this like I am.

I have wanted to reach out for a long time but didn't know how or where to begin. I had thought about posting an ad on Craig's List for several months before finally sitting down and doing it. I got very few responses and could only really relate to one. She left me a brief message and I instantly connected with her. When I read her email response I felt the need to know her. The idea that there was someone else out there, that was like me, left me shaking. I almost wanted to cry because I was so excited. All these years, I'd only read about other agoraphobics. I gave her my phone number so she could call. I just needed to hear her voice. Once I heard her voice, I just had to see her in person. I needed to see that she was real. So far, she's been the only person I've met because of the ad I posted but I feel like it was meant to be. Just knowing her for this short amount of time has taught me so much about myself and this disorder. It's given me the chance to finally identify with someone else. I don't feel so alone anymore and that is worth so much to me. I know it sounds cheesy but I really need her in my life. We talk almost everyday and I've been able to open up to her about things that I've never told anyone else. To my surprise, we share a lot of the same feelings and experiences. All these years I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I lost the person I used to be and could no longer define myself as a person. She's helped me realize how much these thoughts and feelings are a part of the disorder and not the "real" me. I just cannot describe how good that feels. For once in my life, I'm beginning to define ME again!

I hope that over time, you will get to know me and learn about the path that has lead me here, where I am now, and where I will be in the future.

Till next time:)