On tilt!

I woke up this morning on tilt. On tilt is what I refer to feeling "off". That impeding doom feeling. The constant state of anxiety. I try to figure out why or what could have caused this. It's normally something I'm anticipating or a bad nights sleep that makes me wake up like this but I don't feel like any of those things apply to today. I think it's a combination of a lot of different things today. We're supposed to take the kids trick or treating with my friend and her family. They live about 15min from here. I've been there a few times before. It always makes me nervous but I haven't had any bad panic attack going there... yet:) Since Liz (my friend) is a fellow agoraphobic, I feel pretty relaxed being around her. It's the commute that is stressful. I also don't feel that comfortable walking around. I don't like being far from the car or house. I like to feel like I can retreat quickly. I'm always worried that my legs are gonna lock up and I won't be able to get myself back to my "safe place". My husband is also cranky today. That makes it extra hard for me. I feel really sensitive to people's moods. When they're having a bad day, it effects my mood in a negative way. I think he's getting tired of the way life has been for me lately. I know he has a hard time understanding what I'm going through. I can understand that. Half of the time it doesn't make sense to me either. I just wish I could make him and the rest of my family understand what it feels like to be me. What a constant struggle it is just to exist. I get tired easily and usually take a nap when he and/or the kids get home. I know it makes him angry when he comes home and I'm napping. He sees the house a mess and dinner not cooked and probably resents me. The thing is, that just makes it worse for me. I already feel an overwhelming pressure to get better and be normal. Him getting angry just compounds that feeling. I feel like I can't be me when I'm around him and the kids sometimes... most of the time. I don't want them to see that I'm failing or disappoint them when I can't do something. It just sucks!! I feel like my mind is so jumbled right now. I really just want to crawl back in bed and wake up when it's over. If only it were that easy:)