A letter to my mom

Again, cleaning out some papers and found this letter I had written to my mom about a year and a half ago and never sent her.

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Wow, where do I even start? I guess I'll just start typing and take this letter wherever it wants to go... I've thought about what I would say to you a million times over. I don't intend for this to come across as a personal attack but at the same time I feel I have the right to express myself without punishment from you.

So, it's been 6 long months since we've had a real conversation. Each day that passes the hurt gets deeper, the sadness worsens and the anger builds. I've thought about the situation between us many times from the perspective of a mother and the perspective of a child. I just cannot imagine shutting my children out of my life like it seems to come so easily for you. I've thought about it over and over and my pride and the need to always be right will NEVER stand between me and my children. They are everything to me. I know that the day is going to come when my kids tell me what I did wrong in their eyes. I only hope that I will be able to put aside my pride and accept and acknowledge what they have to say to me. I know I'm not a perfect mother. Neither were you. There are things I could have and should have done differently but I can't take any of those things back and I know you can't either. I can only move forward and hope that I did them right and apologize for what I did wrong. That is something I don't feel like you've ever given us. Because of your past relationships with people you feel like you didn't owe anyone anymore apologies. I know that because you've said it a million times. You're stuck in the victim role and feel that the world owes you for everything you have suffered through. That's just not fair to me or my brothers and sister. Our childhood was messed up. I'm not going to sugar coat that. We were emotionally and at times physically broken by the both of you. It was unsafe, and scary to say the least. No matter what happens today, nothing can repair the damage that seeing that did to me mentally. I've realized that I don't deal well with confrontation as a result. I have also felt like your protector which has allowed me to be bullied around by you all my life. The need to make you happy because I felt like you're never happy has made me a perfectionist and extremely self critical. I never felt like I could measure up to your expectations. I've never felt like you've truly apologized for the things that have happened. You've said your sorry but it's always at our expense. You give us the "poor me...how many times can I apologize for the past" story and somehow it always turns around to make us feel like crap. I can't remember a time that you just sincerely admitted that you made some bad choices that really affected us and that you were sorry. I've been suffering from anxiety and panic most of my life. It's only been the last few years that you've started to support and understand me. You would never really acknowledge my disorder even though you've seen what it's done to my life. I can't blame you and Rocky for my mental health but you can't keep pretending like you didn't contribute to the person I've become. As you know, things have been bad with my anxiety since I was pregnant with Garick but really took a turn for the worse last year. I remember one day calling you in a dark moment. I felt like I was going crazy and was talking to Rick, my sister and my therapist about possibly admitting myself into the mental hospital. I remember going into Eva's room and calling you. I so desperately needed some reassurance from my mom that it would be ok and that I would be ok. I told you that this was an option I was considering and that I really needed a hug. You pretty much bluffed me off and told me to go clean or something to keep my mind off it. I was so hurt. I sat there and cried. I just needed for you to tell me it would be ok. I really needed a hug. You live 5 minutes from me and were home at the time. Why would you just ignore me like that??? I needed my mom! That really put things into perspective for me once again and really made me rethink our relationship and about myself as a person. I realized that I needed to change some things about myself and what I allow in my relationships with other people. Over the next couple months I began to realize that I hardly ever tell you when you're hurt me. I realized that I've let you walk all over me and bully me around my whole life. Here I am a grown woman, wife and mother of four who still lets her own mother dictate her life out of fear of standing up to her. It's always been your way or no way. Deep down in your heart you know it's true. If people don't do things when and how you want, you get angry and you make people suffer for it. I've avoided this by mostly doing what you want, when you want it, how you want it.

So here comes Halloween. I started thinking about the pumpkin patch and how you would dictate when/where we'd go. Rick and I really wanted to wait until the week before Halloween because in the past the pumpkins haven't held up for very long but that's beside the point. You had mentioned wanting to go a week sooner then I wanted to. At that moment I should have said no but I was afraid of the consequences so instead I decided to think about it for a couple days. I talked to Rick and Bess about how much I didn't want to go that weekend but that was the weekend you wanted to go. They pretty much said that I should stand up for myself but they both didn't think I would. So the day you called to confirm the date, I grew some courage and told you that I didn't want to go that weekend. Knowing fully well what would happen. I knew that you would hang up on me, get angry and not talk to me until I called you. I knew this because that's how you operate. It's so predictable. I knew I would be punished for not going along with your way and that's exactly what happened. For me it was almost a test. I remember talking to my friend Liz about the exact situation that we're in right now I told her that you would get pissed off and not speak to me over it. Liz asked how long it would last and i told her forever if I don't apologize. She didn't believe me but here it's been 6 months since that day. No matter how much pain this has caused me, I did it knowing that this would be the result. I decided that I need to put my foot down with you. It can't always be your way. I thought about the year that me, you, Rocky and the kids went to the pumpkin patch without Rick because he was out of town and that's the day that YOU wanted to go. Looking back, I can't believe I did that. That was wrong of me and not fair to Rick. That's just one example of how distorted my thinking is and what my priorities are in life. I feel like the moment you're around, I am no longer an adult, a mom, or a wife... I feel like a child. I can't keep living like that. I need to learn to put my foot down and not do things just to make other people happy. I do this for everyone and it has to stop. I've sacrificed my feelings too many times in order to make other people happy. I figured if I could stand up to you that I could stand up to everyone else. You should respect my opinion about when I want to take MY kids somewhere! I knew that day that you would turn your back on me until I called you back and took the punishment for not doing what you wanted. I decided then and there that I would not call you and apologize for something I didn't feel bad about. I wouldn't apologize for something I didn't do wrong. I decided that day I wouldn't speak to you again until you picked up the phone and called me. That day never came.So now the holidays and birthdays and important events have come and gone for the past 6 months without really a word. Other then our brief conversation if that's what you want to call it around Thanksgiving. I hardly even remember what I said to you. All I really remember is that you wouldn't listen to what i had to say (as usual) and it just set me off. It made me so angry. It brought me back to a place that I haven't felt since I was a kid. All the times you wouldn't listen to what I had to say because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Damn, I was mad! You want to close the door and pretend the past doesn't exist. I get that you don't want to dwell on the past. I don't either. I just want to stop pretending that it didn't happen and that I'm not hurt and damaged because of it. I can't keep denying my feelings. I'm only hurting myself and I can't afford to do that anymore. It might be different if things weren't the same... but they are. I still get frantic phone calls form my mom telling me that I need to hurry over there because she's scared and going to get hurt. That drive is the longest 6 minutes of my life. Words cannot describe the pain that I feel hearing you like that and how horrific it is to imagine him hurting you. I worry that you're going to get hurt or even killed. That scares the crap out of me. I leave your house broken and in pain. I have nightmares for days afterward. Everyone tells me that I can't keep going to save you but I do it anyway. I keep doing it at my emotional expense because I feel in my mind that the pain it causes me is worth having you not get hurt. The thing is, it's not my burden to carry for you. If you want to stay in that relationship then that's your choice. You can't call me and expect me to come help you. You have to help yourself. If that's where you choose to stay in your life then you have to deal with the consequences. You've got to stop dragging us kids back into it. I don't want to see or hear it anymore. It's too painful. I can't keep being brought back to that dark place by you and Rocky anymore. I have to move on and heal my wounds.

3-30-09

So I was cleaning out my filing cabinet and came across a journal that I had been writing in before I started this blog. I am going to copy the journal entries exactly as I originally wrote them so please keep in mind that this was straight from my brain and no editing was done, lol. Here we go.....

3-30-09

It's Monday but since Rick was gone for the past 2 weeks he took today off work. We've both been lazy today and hung out in bed for most of the morning. Oh how I love lazy days! So I finally got up and started sewing on a project that I really needed to get done. Rick was still sleeping. Well he got gets up and less then 5 minutes of him being in my area, he exclaims "we need to get going!" This immediately stresses me out. This is one of the things that he does that really drives me crazy. I like to move at my own pace and Rick seems to move in a completely different direction. On his days off he's either doing something or doing nothing. To me it seems like there's no in between. I feel like he expects me to stop whatever I'm doing and do what he wants. I think I would feel a lot less stressed if he would just approach me differently. If he could just let me know that he has some things he wants to do and let me get going at my own pace, I'd feel much better. Instead he just tells me what I need to do and I don't like it. On top of that, he wants to go pick up my medical records (which I've been avoiding) from a place that I HATE going to. The thought of this place makes me very nervous.

So, I talked to Rick about how he makes me feel when he does that. The conversation helped. I took a shower and got ready to go. I didn't have much anticipatory anxiety because I tried to just not think about it. As soon as we were heading out the door, I took 1/2 of an Ativan. I didn't get nervous until we got a few blocks from the hospital. I could feel my body get tense. In my opinion, I stayed fairly calm and didn't experience any panic, just mild anxiety. Nothing more then normal. My records were right there at the front desk so we were there for only a couple minutes. It was a pleasant experience. I felt nothing that I had imagined I would in the past. We headed home afterward.

I needed to go with Ricks sister Melissa to the Paper Zone so that she could pick out a wedding invitation. I knew I didn't want the kids to go since that's not the kind of store they'd belong in, so my only option was to go by myself. Again, I sewed up until I had to walk out the door to keep myself busy and didn't give much thought to what I was going to do and took a 1/2 an Ativan. I had Rick stay on the phone with me so I'd feel a little safer and made sure I had water. I also brought a CD that I really like to keep me distracted. I stayed pretty calm and only got slightly scared when I got to the parkway. I didn't allow myself to run with that feeling and so it didn't turn into panic. I felt a few more times where I really wanted to panic but didn't let myself. I wanted to drive fast like I normally do but I knew if I did that, I would just be feeding the panic so I drove the speed limit instead. My only symptom once I got to the Paper Zone was dry mouth and I was a little jittery. I planned on calling Rick on my way home but Melissa happened to be driving the same way as me. I found comfort in her being in front of me. I became alone when I got into the turning lane to get onto Cherry Ave and she kept going straight. I just laid back and took some deep breaths to stay calm, which wasn't very hard because I knew I was on the home stretch. I had the radio blaring, the window cracked and just sang along, reminding myself to enjoy and feel the moment. When I got home Rick was surprised to see I had made it without needing to talk to him. I think the Ativan really had kicked in and helped me feel more at ease by the time I got home. It's also just easier in general for me when I know I'm driving to a place where comfort and safety are.

The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. We went to Michael's to get some ribbon for Melissa's invitations. I went in the store alone while Rick and the kids wait in the car. I felt fine the entire time.

We then went to Safeway, where we all went in and again I was fine. We picked up a coffee for me, I did dishes and then worked on a prototype invitation for Melissa. I had a calm, relaxed evening. Working on Melissa's card was a big stress relieving activity as is just about any crafty project for me.

What a day!!

I am totally drained. I have no idea where I'll find the strength to make it through the rest of the night...

A small update

Things are going a bit better but it's always different from one moment to the next. I'm getting to the point where I'm almost willing to die for my freedom. I'm so sick of having to rely on everyone else for everything that I do. I've actually gone a few times to the store by myself. I get this "F-it" attitude where I'm willing to accept all the catastrophic thoughts that go through my mind in order to do something alone. I'm starting to realize that I feel just as stressed when I'm out whether I'm alone or with someone. The only benefit to having someone with me is the comfort of knowing that someone is there "just in case something happens". Other then that, the stress level and difficulty are almost the same. That's been quite the realization. Now I need to get over that comfort of another person and just go myself. Whatever happens, happens. I can't keep living in a box... waiting. I'm suffocating and dying inside. I need my life back!!!!!

UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to scream, cry, be angry or pull my hair out!! The last couple days have been hell. I fell like I'm gonna break at any moment! One more push and I'm going OVER!

So much going on

I've realized that I have a hard time expressing myself... imagine that:) I've been having some family problems (with my mom) and I find that it's easier not to post here then talk about it. Since I don't want to talk about what's going on with that situation, I just avoid posting all together. I've really got to work on that. I find that posting here on my blog is very therapeutic and I need to get back into the swing of things. Baby steps...

Things have been fairly good. I'm still learning a lot about myself and healing my wounds. My anxiety has been ok. I have bad days but for the most part I think I'm on an upswing. I actually went to Walgreens by MYSELF last night!!!!! I still can't believe that was me. It feels like a dream. I was so exhausted from some things that happened earlier in the day that I had the F-it attitude and felt like there was nothing that could bring me more anxiety then I'd already dealt with so why not just do it. I even drove the main road! I know... can you believe it?! It wasn't even that bad. I didn't freak out at all. I even walked around the store and just browsed around for a few. You just have no idea what a big deal that is for me. I haven't driven anywhere since the last time I posted about it here and even that time I didn't actually go IN to the store. Woo Hoo!!

So alone

Rick went out of town yesterday and I instantly felt so alone. I have a house full of kids but my relief from myself is nowhere in sight. He was supposed to come home tonight but there were no flights home. He'll be here sometime tomorrow...who knows when. I keep trying to tell myself that this is good for me and blah, blah, blah. Deep down I know it is but I feel like I've been holding my breath since yesterday and I won't be able to breathe until he comes home. I try to convince myself that I'm "coping" but deep down I don't think I am. I'm just holding it back until he gets home. I feel suffocated and trapped. Sitting here fighting back my emotions and trying to stay strong when I really just want to cry. I can't do that because I have no idea where that will lead so, I hold back my tears and push on.

I hate when I feel like this because I get so resentful. I resent all the people that just live their lives without these fucked up thoughts and go where ever they want without thinking twice. Why can't I have that?!