3-30-09

So I was cleaning out my filing cabinet and came across a journal that I had been writing in before I started this blog. I am going to copy the journal entries exactly as I originally wrote them so please keep in mind that this was straight from my brain and no editing was done, lol. Here we go.....

3-30-09

It's Monday but since Rick was gone for the past 2 weeks he took today off work. We've both been lazy today and hung out in bed for most of the morning. Oh how I love lazy days! So I finally got up and started sewing on a project that I really needed to get done. Rick was still sleeping. Well he got gets up and less then 5 minutes of him being in my area, he exclaims "we need to get going!" This immediately stresses me out. This is one of the things that he does that really drives me crazy. I like to move at my own pace and Rick seems to move in a completely different direction. On his days off he's either doing something or doing nothing. To me it seems like there's no in between. I feel like he expects me to stop whatever I'm doing and do what he wants. I think I would feel a lot less stressed if he would just approach me differently. If he could just let me know that he has some things he wants to do and let me get going at my own pace, I'd feel much better. Instead he just tells me what I need to do and I don't like it. On top of that, he wants to go pick up my medical records (which I've been avoiding) from a place that I HATE going to. The thought of this place makes me very nervous.

So, I talked to Rick about how he makes me feel when he does that. The conversation helped. I took a shower and got ready to go. I didn't have much anticipatory anxiety because I tried to just not think about it. As soon as we were heading out the door, I took 1/2 of an Ativan. I didn't get nervous until we got a few blocks from the hospital. I could feel my body get tense. In my opinion, I stayed fairly calm and didn't experience any panic, just mild anxiety. Nothing more then normal. My records were right there at the front desk so we were there for only a couple minutes. It was a pleasant experience. I felt nothing that I had imagined I would in the past. We headed home afterward.

I needed to go with Ricks sister Melissa to the Paper Zone so that she could pick out a wedding invitation. I knew I didn't want the kids to go since that's not the kind of store they'd belong in, so my only option was to go by myself. Again, I sewed up until I had to walk out the door to keep myself busy and didn't give much thought to what I was going to do and took a 1/2 an Ativan. I had Rick stay on the phone with me so I'd feel a little safer and made sure I had water. I also brought a CD that I really like to keep me distracted. I stayed pretty calm and only got slightly scared when I got to the parkway. I didn't allow myself to run with that feeling and so it didn't turn into panic. I felt a few more times where I really wanted to panic but didn't let myself. I wanted to drive fast like I normally do but I knew if I did that, I would just be feeding the panic so I drove the speed limit instead. My only symptom once I got to the Paper Zone was dry mouth and I was a little jittery. I planned on calling Rick on my way home but Melissa happened to be driving the same way as me. I found comfort in her being in front of me. I became alone when I got into the turning lane to get onto Cherry Ave and she kept going straight. I just laid back and took some deep breaths to stay calm, which wasn't very hard because I knew I was on the home stretch. I had the radio blaring, the window cracked and just sang along, reminding myself to enjoy and feel the moment. When I got home Rick was surprised to see I had made it without needing to talk to him. I think the Ativan really had kicked in and helped me feel more at ease by the time I got home. It's also just easier in general for me when I know I'm driving to a place where comfort and safety are.

The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. We went to Michael's to get some ribbon for Melissa's invitations. I went in the store alone while Rick and the kids wait in the car. I felt fine the entire time.

We then went to Safeway, where we all went in and again I was fine. We picked up a coffee for me, I did dishes and then worked on a prototype invitation for Melissa. I had a calm, relaxed evening. Working on Melissa's card was a big stress relieving activity as is just about any crafty project for me.