Where has time gone?

I just realized that's it's been a while since I posted last. I feel like I've been growing and learning a lot about myself these past couple months and it finally came to a head. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown but I'm confident that this is all part of the process.

I got a new book about a week or so ago called "Don't Panic" and it really hit home. I got very emotional reading the stories of the people in the book. I could identify with all of them. It made me realize that I have some issues I've been harboring since childhood. It's also become very clear to me that I will never get better until I deal with these things. It's kinda weird how that works. It's like I woke up one day and it all made sense.

Wow.....

So things have been really crappy this past week. I've had several very close calls with panic. I've had my niece come "babysit" me while my sister had a job interview. I've had my sister come over twice. I've been super agoraphobic about going anywhere so I had a meltdown about taking Garick to the doctors (with Rick) in which I had to cancel his apt at the last minute. I went and bought a new book about panic/agoraphobia. After reading it for a bit last night I had a complete and total mental breakdown. It was like the book triggered all these thoughts and emotions I've hiden deep down in my soul. The pain came back like a wave and I was totally overwhelmed by the rush of emotion. It hurt so bad and scared me even more. It made me realize why I keep those memories and thoughts locked away... I'm terrified to deal with them. They shake me so deep that I fear I won't be able to come out alive. It's no wonder I live in panic and fear. I'm scared shitless to confront all the pain I've been hiding all these years. What really scares me is that I know that I will never get better until I confront these demons. They're so overwhelming that it's just been easier to keep them locked away. I'm so scared to feel those feelings. I worry that I'll just go insane. They'll need to lock me up and throw away the key.

I ended up taking an ativan and passing out. I honestly don't even remember falling asleep. I feel so detached from the memories of last night. I woke up this morning feeling completely frazzled. I feel like I'm dreaming right now. Like it was all a bad dream and I haven't woken up from it yet. I can't even believe I'm sitting here typing this right now. I wonder if it's even readable? Am I making sense to anyone right now? My mind is so overwhelmed. I just want to go back to bed. Wake me up when it's over.

I feel.....

I feel worthless
I feel hopeless
I feel helpless
I feel angry
I feel sad
I feel discouraged
I feel beaten
I feel broken
I feel lost

Walgreens trip last night

Somehow I managed to keep my composure till we got into the store. It wasn't until we got to the check out that I got the overwhelming feeling that I needed to get out of there.... NOW! Rick suggested I go to the car while he finished checking out. For a moment, I didn't even think I could walk to the car without him. My legs felt like jelly but at the same time I wanted to run. I felt like an idiot beings that the door was in eye's distance from where he was standing in line so I decided that I would walk out to the car alone. Boy was I happy when I reached the car door. I called Liz to help talk me through it while I waited for Rick which seemed to take an eternity. Sometimes I feel bad calling her because I get so negative about the way I'm feeling and I don't want to make her feel hopeless because I feel that way. In that moment I often wonder how I'm going to continue living like this. Although I usually come out of it, the feeling that I can't go on like this is so overwhelming. I feel like I do all the things I'm supposed to do to get better. I expose myself to the terror on a daily basis. I continue to leave the house when I don't feel like I can. Why won't it go away or at least get easier?? People have no idea what it's like to try so hard and be kicked down at every turn. Trying to heal from this hell I've been living in is really taking a toll on my spirit. It makes me wonder what I ever did to deserve this life. I consider myself to be a good person. Why do I continue to be punished? I'm just so scared that one of these days I'm going to break. I really don't know how much more I can take of this life. It's a living hell!

Feeling agoraphobic

I haven't posted in a couple days for a couple of reasons. One is that I've been struggling with a migraine on and off for the past couple weeks and second, I've been feeling crappy because of it. I'm having a hard time trying to write because my head feels stuffy and I can't think straight. I thought I would try my hardest to sit down and write how I'm feeling right now because I'm sure other agoraphobics can relate. In order for me to function properly it's almost as if the stars have to be properly aligned:) I have to be well rested, fed and without sickness or pain. If just one of those things is off.... I'm off. I become very agoraphobic when things are "off". So, since I've had a headache for the last couple days and it's not responding to Advil, I haven't left my house. I just can't imagine trying to deal with my anxiety when all I can feel is the pain in my head. In my mind it's a combination for failure and I don't even attempt it. When Rick gets home from work tonight, we're supposed to go to Walgreens. I'm totally freaking out right now. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I feel so disoriented and out of body right now. These are the times that all the irrational thoughts run rampant. I have the feeling of impending doom. Like something bad is going to happen at any minute. I wonder if something is wrong with me. Rationally I know that it's my anxiety making these assumptions but it's hard to think or believe otherwise when I feel like shit!

Wasn't so uneventful after all

Shortly after posting on my blog about the "lazy day" I was having... things went south. My sister came and got the older 2 kids to spend the night at her house and Rick needed to go to the store. I got a little panicked knowing the kids were gone and Rick was leaving. I hadn't prepared myself for these situations. They were spur of the moment things and I don't deal well with that. I tried to sit here and be calm but it wasn't working. I took a half of an Ativan and called Liz. She helped keep me occupied while I waited for Rick to get home. 15 minutes felt like an hour. As soon as he walked in the door I was instantly relieved. I just couldn't believe how scared I felt. Every time I get to a place where I think I've learned to cope and I'm not gonna get scared as easily... it bites me in the ass. It amazes me how much power it still has after all these years. It's a little discouraging to think that it can still make me feel like I'm going to die. You'd think I'd be over that terrible feeling by now:( Why can it still shake me up like that???

An uneventful day

So, I'm finally able to log onto Rick's laptop now that he's home from work. Rick turned off our desktop last night before bed and this morning when I tried to turn it on... it was a no go. I don't know what happened but I'm hoping for the best. I can't imagine life without the computer, LOL. Thank goodness it's Friday so I'll at least have the laptop for the rest of the weekend.


It was a pretty uneventful day. My oldest daughter didn't have school today so I was able to sleep in a little this morning and take a nap while she kept an eye on the two little ones. That was a nice treat:)

Liz and I talked on the phone for a long time today. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. The more we talk, the more I realize how much we have in common. It's a little bizarre sometimes. We come from a similar background and share so many of the same quirks. It really makes me wonder if all agoraphobics share these same characteristics. There just has to be some sort of connection. We're just too much alike for it to be a coincidence.

I don't have any errands to run this evening so I'm feeling pretty calm. I've designated today as a "lazy day" and Rick brought home pizza for dinner. I love days like this:)

I did it, part 2

The kids are fed and happy now. I've even managed to get myself on the treadmill for a little bit. It's been SUCH a long time since I've gotten on that thing. I had to dust it off before I could even use it:) When my anxiety is bad, I have a really hard time getting on the treadmill even at a VERY slow pace. I mentioned it in a previous post but I'll mention it again. When I'm here at home and Rick isn't here, I have a very hard time doing anything that will get me worked up. Exercising produces some of the same symptoms of a panic attack. When I'm not doing good, I avoid that feeling at all costs even if I know panic isn't the cause. I pushed myself to do a half mile before my first break. I sat down to get my heart rate back to normal for a little bit before getting back on and finishing up a mile. By the time I was done, I was feeling a bit disoriented even though I was going really slow. I just tried to remind myself that it was no reason to freak out or be scared and that I would slowly start to feel more relaxed if I just let myself. It worked! I didn't have any major ill feelings. It was just a bit uncomfortable.

Things feel like they're moving in an upward direction for me over the last couple of days. I don't want to sound pessimistic but in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder what the consequences are going to be. I know from experience that it's 1 step forward, two steps back (or more) with this disorder. For example: After the outings I had last night I went to bed feeling exhausted but good. I had terrible nightmares and woke up this morning soaking wet, feeling very anxious. This is what usually happens after I've pushed myself to do something that's stressful. The part of me that wants to be normal feels like I need to take this minute and run with it. I want to do as much stuff as I possibly can before I crash again. I'm not sure if that's the right or wrong thing to do. I guess that's the "all or nothing" mentality I have.

Anyways..... back to my first post:)

After leaving my sisters house I felt like I hadn't really accomplished anything because of the disconnected feelings I was having so I decided to push a little more. My idea was to go to the consignment store which is only about 2 blocks from her house. That idea quickly vanished when I left. As a consolation prize, I decided to hit the little market on the way home. I figured I wouldn't feel like such a failure if I could at least do that. Of course that meant calling my sister to let her know my change of route. I like her and/or Rick to know exactly which way I drive and where I'm at in case they "need to come find me" (it just makes me feel safer). I was happy that I had cash in my wallet for once so that I could just run in the store, grab the paper and go. I get nervous with the debit card because it takes longer and I'm very impatient in these kinds of situations. I got the paper and jetted out of there. I again had to remind myself to SLOW down and feel the moment. You can see the market from the end of my street so I knew I didn't have far to go. At last, I made it home in one piece... YEAH!!

I did it!

I can't believe I actually got up the courage to post a link to my blog on Facebook! I'm scared about what other people think about me but liberated to be sharing my dirty little secret. It's still unbelievable to me that I've been this way my whole life and there are still people that I talk to on a regular basis that had no idea. I guess I hid it a lot better then I had thought. That's not necessarily a good thing.

Rick sat down and read my blog for the first time last night. After he read it, he mentioned that there were things I wrote that he'd never known before. It felt so good to know that my intention for this blog was working. I want people to understand this disorder and I want them to understand me.

I talked to my friend Liz yesterday evening and she mentioned driving about 15-20 minutes away from home to go out to eat. I thought to myself, if Liz is gonna step outside the box, then I will too. So, I sat here trying to think of what I could do to "test" myself. The options in my mind were to drive to the little market and get the paper (0.30 miles from home), drive to Walgreens (1.46 miles) or drive to the consignment store (1.13 miles). (I just wanted to point out that it's been about 6 months since I've driven as far as Walgreens). As soon as I got in the car I called my sister. I guess I was looking for her to tell me what to do so that I didn't have to make the decision for myself. Her house is on the way to Walgreens so I decided to just start heading her direction. I knew that I would feel safe passing by her house. With some encouragement from her, I(we) decided that I would drive to the Walgreens, turn around and go back to her house. When I got about 2 blocks from my destination, I really started to feel out of body. I wasn't panicking but I felt like I was dreaming. I cranked up the stereo and rolled down the window about half way for some fresh air. I pulled into the parking lot and knew that I needed to park for a minute. I know that if I would have just drove in and out, I wouldn't have really experienced the moment like I should have. It's just like holding your breath when you're fending off panic. If I do something quickly without letting myself really feel the moment, it's as if I just held my breath until it was over. I decide after a couple minutes of sitting there that it's been long enough.... goal had been met.... I'm in the clear... so I head back to my sisters house. I tried to explain to her that I felt so disconnected. I didn't feel like it was me that drove there and when I think about it right now, it still doesn't seem real. It's like my mind leaves and I die inside. I think that's the way I've learned to cope over the years. I just turn off all emotion... good, bad or indifferent. I just push myself through the situation, holding my breath and praying that I'll come out the other side without freaking out.

I'll try to continue this story later. The kids are starting to bug me for lunch:)

Found this funny cartoon

Isn't this the truth!

What the heck am I doing?

I tried to work on my blog for a while last night. I have absolutely NO IDEA what I'm doing or how to do it. It's still a work in progress. I added some very good information on agoraphobia so I'm pretty happy with that. I really hope that my loved ones and friends that I share this with, will take the time to read some of it. I'm really trying to open up here and expose this huge part of my life that I normally try to keep secret.

I wanted to take a minute to tell you about my day yesterday. I set a goal for myself the night before. The goal was to take a shower before 10am. I don't normally take a shower until my older kids get home from school but usually wait for Rick to get home. I'm sure this sounds like no big deal for you, but it's a big deal for me. Here's my thinking behind it.... Ever since I started having panic attacks I developed this "what if" thinking about taking a shower when I'm alone. I worry that I'll have a PA (panic attack) and pass out, hit my head, possibly drown, etc. The other thought is that once I take my clothes off to get in the shower, I'm completely exposed. I worry that if I have a PA I won't be able to get myself dressed because I get so frantic and numb. I worry that someone will have to come get me and I'll be nude. These irrational thoughts keep me from showering when I'm alone. I do have days when I can do it, but it's something I usually avoid unless I have to. I realized at about 9:15am that time was running out and I needed to get my butt in gear to accomplish this goal. I called Liz and told her that I was about to get in the shower and if I didn't call her back in 15 minutes that she should send help:) I then proceeded to call my sister and let her know the same thing except I told her to come over if I didn't call her back and to keep her phone near her in case I called. I went and unlocked my front door so that she could easily get in if needed. I know most people would lock the door before showing but my mind feels safer with it unlocked. So now I get in the bathroom and I notice the toilet seat is up. I get this flash in my mind that I go to grab my phone off the counter and accidentally drop it in the toilet. To make myself feel better, I close the lid. Now I feel like everything is prepped and ready to go. I washed my hair the night before so I'm feeling comforted knowing that is one less thing I will need to get done. As I shower, I remind myself to stay relaxed and to not freak out. I even tried to slow myself down so that I wasn't just hurrying to get in and out. I tried to make the conscious effort to take my time. Even with that, I think I was probably in the shower for about 5 minutes. As I began to get dressed, I felt more and more relaxed. I then called Liz and my sister to let them know that I made it out alive:)

....................

I haven't posted in a couple days. I just didn't feel like I could sit down and really write about what's been going on. I worry that I'll end up with a huge book some days so I avoid posting. I'm really going to try to get better about that.

I guess I'll try to start where I left off. Halloween went pretty good. I made it ok to my friends house. I even did pretty well walking around her neighborhood trick or treating. I started to have issues when we got to the halfway mark. As we approached the end of the street, before turning to head back, I begin to get a little panicked. I'm gonna attempt to take you inside my mind for a minute. I will try to describe some of the things that were going through my head. I tried to keep myself distracted by carrying on conversation but the whole time I was doing that my inner dialog was making note of how far we had walked from the house. Keeping track of each house as we passed it. I kept telling myself to not think about it but that's next to impossible for me. Things kept flashing in my mind about what would happen if I had a panic attack now, and now, and now... as we walked farther and farther away. We saw some cars that were driving along side their children that were walking. It made me think about how I should have done that. I thought that maybe I should walk back to the car and follow the kids around like the other people. The whole time I'm trying so hard to shake these thoughts because I know these thoughts are going to scare me and possibly make me panic and I don't want to do that. As we walk further, I begin to feel more and more uncomfortable. I can't ruin the kids night so I don't want to say anything about how I'm feeling. I don't want to tell them that I would feel more comfortable if we started heading back to the house. At this point, the kids have 2-3 houses left before we can turn around. I started getting more and more anxious and it seemed as each house was taking an eternity to get to. For a moment I start walking away from the group. I feel relief just knowing that I am a few feet closer to exiting. Finally they're done with the houses and as we begin to walk back, I feel more and more relaxed. In my mind, every step I take is closer and closer to where I really want to be... which is back to the house... back to the car.... back home. When it's all said and done, I'm just relieved to have made it through and I'm so thankful that I didn't completely loose it.


I woke up on Sunday feeling extra froggy (term I use to describe moments that I feel like taking chances). I decided that I would not only drive to my sister house but that I would drive to the mail box and drop off a couple letters that is on my way. This is the route that I don't normally travel. It's on the main streets with more traffic and lights. I normally avoid going that way since I feel more exposed to the public and I feel it's more likely that I'll get stuck in traffic. I'm going to take a minute to google how far the mail box and my sisters house is so you have an idea of the distance I traveled.

My house to the mail box: 0.53 miles
My house to my sisters house: 0.82 miles

That is the farthest I've driven in months. Driving past my street is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I started to panic a tiny bit when I approached the left turn to get to the mailbox. I have a hard time in the left hand lane in traffic. I feel trapped there. I like to stay on the right side where I know I can turn off if I need to. I quickly reminded myself that panicking was a bad idea and that I just needed to block that way of thinking and try to enjoy the ride. It actually went good after I got past that initial feeling. I got to my sisters house in one piece:) My goal was to drive to my sisters house, pick her up and go to the grocery store. I've realized that I need to drive more often. Not only am I uncomfortable driving because of my anxiety but I'm uncomfortable because I'm not used to it. My thinking is that if I start to drive more often when I'm with someone, I will begin to feel better about driving alone. I'm so sick and tired of not being able to just get in the car and go where I want to go. I can't remember that last time I went somewhere alone. If I had to guess, I'd say it's been over 6 months. There are so many times that I just want to get in the car and run down to the little market for a soda or to the grocery store to get something for dinner. Instead of just being able to go like everyone else, I have to wait until Rick (husband) gets home or ask my sister to take me. Then we have to pack up the kids (at least the 2 little ones) and go. I dream of the day that I can just GO again!. I imagine how good it would feel to drive to the store and walk around all alone. No screaming kids, no impatient husband... just me. I would love to just be able to stroll around the store, browse if I want to, and not fell rushed to get in and get out. Some day:)