I did it, part 2

The kids are fed and happy now. I've even managed to get myself on the treadmill for a little bit. It's been SUCH a long time since I've gotten on that thing. I had to dust it off before I could even use it:) When my anxiety is bad, I have a really hard time getting on the treadmill even at a VERY slow pace. I mentioned it in a previous post but I'll mention it again. When I'm here at home and Rick isn't here, I have a very hard time doing anything that will get me worked up. Exercising produces some of the same symptoms of a panic attack. When I'm not doing good, I avoid that feeling at all costs even if I know panic isn't the cause. I pushed myself to do a half mile before my first break. I sat down to get my heart rate back to normal for a little bit before getting back on and finishing up a mile. By the time I was done, I was feeling a bit disoriented even though I was going really slow. I just tried to remind myself that it was no reason to freak out or be scared and that I would slowly start to feel more relaxed if I just let myself. It worked! I didn't have any major ill feelings. It was just a bit uncomfortable.

Things feel like they're moving in an upward direction for me over the last couple of days. I don't want to sound pessimistic but in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder what the consequences are going to be. I know from experience that it's 1 step forward, two steps back (or more) with this disorder. For example: After the outings I had last night I went to bed feeling exhausted but good. I had terrible nightmares and woke up this morning soaking wet, feeling very anxious. This is what usually happens after I've pushed myself to do something that's stressful. The part of me that wants to be normal feels like I need to take this minute and run with it. I want to do as much stuff as I possibly can before I crash again. I'm not sure if that's the right or wrong thing to do. I guess that's the "all or nothing" mentality I have.

Anyways..... back to my first post:)

After leaving my sisters house I felt like I hadn't really accomplished anything because of the disconnected feelings I was having so I decided to push a little more. My idea was to go to the consignment store which is only about 2 blocks from her house. That idea quickly vanished when I left. As a consolation prize, I decided to hit the little market on the way home. I figured I wouldn't feel like such a failure if I could at least do that. Of course that meant calling my sister to let her know my change of route. I like her and/or Rick to know exactly which way I drive and where I'm at in case they "need to come find me" (it just makes me feel safer). I was happy that I had cash in my wallet for once so that I could just run in the store, grab the paper and go. I get nervous with the debit card because it takes longer and I'm very impatient in these kinds of situations. I got the paper and jetted out of there. I again had to remind myself to SLOW down and feel the moment. You can see the market from the end of my street so I knew I didn't have far to go. At last, I made it home in one piece... YEAH!!