So things have been really crappy this past week. I've had several very close calls with panic. I've had my niece come "babysit" me while my sister had a job interview. I've had my sister come over twice. I've been super agoraphobic about going anywhere so I had a meltdown about taking Garick to the doctors (with Rick) in which I had to cancel his apt at the last minute. I went and bought a new book about panic/agoraphobia. After reading it for a bit last night I had a complete and total mental breakdown. It was like the book triggered all these thoughts and emotions I've hiden deep down in my soul. The pain came back like a wave and I was totally overwhelmed by the rush of emotion. It hurt so bad and scared me even more. It made me realize why I keep those memories and thoughts locked away... I'm terrified to deal with them. They shake me so deep that I fear I won't be able to come out alive. It's no wonder I live in panic and fear. I'm scared shitless to confront all the pain I've been hiding all these years. What really scares me is that I know that I will never get better until I confront these demons. They're so overwhelming that it's just been easier to keep them locked away. I'm so scared to feel those feelings. I worry that I'll just go insane. They'll need to lock me up and throw away the key.
I ended up taking an ativan and passing out. I honestly don't even remember falling asleep. I feel so detached from the memories of last night. I woke up this morning feeling completely frazzled. I feel like I'm dreaming right now. Like it was all a bad dream and I haven't woken up from it yet. I can't even believe I'm sitting here typing this right now. I wonder if it's even readable? Am I making sense to anyone right now? My mind is so overwhelmed. I just want to go back to bed. Wake me up when it's over.
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