What the heck am I doing?

I tried to work on my blog for a while last night. I have absolutely NO IDEA what I'm doing or how to do it. It's still a work in progress. I added some very good information on agoraphobia so I'm pretty happy with that. I really hope that my loved ones and friends that I share this with, will take the time to read some of it. I'm really trying to open up here and expose this huge part of my life that I normally try to keep secret.

I wanted to take a minute to tell you about my day yesterday. I set a goal for myself the night before. The goal was to take a shower before 10am. I don't normally take a shower until my older kids get home from school but usually wait for Rick to get home. I'm sure this sounds like no big deal for you, but it's a big deal for me. Here's my thinking behind it.... Ever since I started having panic attacks I developed this "what if" thinking about taking a shower when I'm alone. I worry that I'll have a PA (panic attack) and pass out, hit my head, possibly drown, etc. The other thought is that once I take my clothes off to get in the shower, I'm completely exposed. I worry that if I have a PA I won't be able to get myself dressed because I get so frantic and numb. I worry that someone will have to come get me and I'll be nude. These irrational thoughts keep me from showering when I'm alone. I do have days when I can do it, but it's something I usually avoid unless I have to. I realized at about 9:15am that time was running out and I needed to get my butt in gear to accomplish this goal. I called Liz and told her that I was about to get in the shower and if I didn't call her back in 15 minutes that she should send help:) I then proceeded to call my sister and let her know the same thing except I told her to come over if I didn't call her back and to keep her phone near her in case I called. I went and unlocked my front door so that she could easily get in if needed. I know most people would lock the door before showing but my mind feels safer with it unlocked. So now I get in the bathroom and I notice the toilet seat is up. I get this flash in my mind that I go to grab my phone off the counter and accidentally drop it in the toilet. To make myself feel better, I close the lid. Now I feel like everything is prepped and ready to go. I washed my hair the night before so I'm feeling comforted knowing that is one less thing I will need to get done. As I shower, I remind myself to stay relaxed and to not freak out. I even tried to slow myself down so that I wasn't just hurrying to get in and out. I tried to make the conscious effort to take my time. Even with that, I think I was probably in the shower for about 5 minutes. As I began to get dressed, I felt more and more relaxed. I then called Liz and my sister to let them know that I made it out alive:)