....................

I haven't posted in a couple days. I just didn't feel like I could sit down and really write about what's been going on. I worry that I'll end up with a huge book some days so I avoid posting. I'm really going to try to get better about that.

I guess I'll try to start where I left off. Halloween went pretty good. I made it ok to my friends house. I even did pretty well walking around her neighborhood trick or treating. I started to have issues when we got to the halfway mark. As we approached the end of the street, before turning to head back, I begin to get a little panicked. I'm gonna attempt to take you inside my mind for a minute. I will try to describe some of the things that were going through my head. I tried to keep myself distracted by carrying on conversation but the whole time I was doing that my inner dialog was making note of how far we had walked from the house. Keeping track of each house as we passed it. I kept telling myself to not think about it but that's next to impossible for me. Things kept flashing in my mind about what would happen if I had a panic attack now, and now, and now... as we walked farther and farther away. We saw some cars that were driving along side their children that were walking. It made me think about how I should have done that. I thought that maybe I should walk back to the car and follow the kids around like the other people. The whole time I'm trying so hard to shake these thoughts because I know these thoughts are going to scare me and possibly make me panic and I don't want to do that. As we walk further, I begin to feel more and more uncomfortable. I can't ruin the kids night so I don't want to say anything about how I'm feeling. I don't want to tell them that I would feel more comfortable if we started heading back to the house. At this point, the kids have 2-3 houses left before we can turn around. I started getting more and more anxious and it seemed as each house was taking an eternity to get to. For a moment I start walking away from the group. I feel relief just knowing that I am a few feet closer to exiting. Finally they're done with the houses and as we begin to walk back, I feel more and more relaxed. In my mind, every step I take is closer and closer to where I really want to be... which is back to the house... back to the car.... back home. When it's all said and done, I'm just relieved to have made it through and I'm so thankful that I didn't completely loose it.


I woke up on Sunday feeling extra froggy (term I use to describe moments that I feel like taking chances). I decided that I would not only drive to my sister house but that I would drive to the mail box and drop off a couple letters that is on my way. This is the route that I don't normally travel. It's on the main streets with more traffic and lights. I normally avoid going that way since I feel more exposed to the public and I feel it's more likely that I'll get stuck in traffic. I'm going to take a minute to google how far the mail box and my sisters house is so you have an idea of the distance I traveled.

My house to the mail box: 0.53 miles
My house to my sisters house: 0.82 miles

That is the farthest I've driven in months. Driving past my street is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I started to panic a tiny bit when I approached the left turn to get to the mailbox. I have a hard time in the left hand lane in traffic. I feel trapped there. I like to stay on the right side where I know I can turn off if I need to. I quickly reminded myself that panicking was a bad idea and that I just needed to block that way of thinking and try to enjoy the ride. It actually went good after I got past that initial feeling. I got to my sisters house in one piece:) My goal was to drive to my sisters house, pick her up and go to the grocery store. I've realized that I need to drive more often. Not only am I uncomfortable driving because of my anxiety but I'm uncomfortable because I'm not used to it. My thinking is that if I start to drive more often when I'm with someone, I will begin to feel better about driving alone. I'm so sick and tired of not being able to just get in the car and go where I want to go. I can't remember that last time I went somewhere alone. If I had to guess, I'd say it's been over 6 months. There are so many times that I just want to get in the car and run down to the little market for a soda or to the grocery store to get something for dinner. Instead of just being able to go like everyone else, I have to wait until Rick (husband) gets home or ask my sister to take me. Then we have to pack up the kids (at least the 2 little ones) and go. I dream of the day that I can just GO again!. I imagine how good it would feel to drive to the store and walk around all alone. No screaming kids, no impatient husband... just me. I would love to just be able to stroll around the store, browse if I want to, and not fell rushed to get in and get out. Some day:)