I did it!

I can't believe I actually got up the courage to post a link to my blog on Facebook! I'm scared about what other people think about me but liberated to be sharing my dirty little secret. It's still unbelievable to me that I've been this way my whole life and there are still people that I talk to on a regular basis that had no idea. I guess I hid it a lot better then I had thought. That's not necessarily a good thing.

Rick sat down and read my blog for the first time last night. After he read it, he mentioned that there were things I wrote that he'd never known before. It felt so good to know that my intention for this blog was working. I want people to understand this disorder and I want them to understand me.

I talked to my friend Liz yesterday evening and she mentioned driving about 15-20 minutes away from home to go out to eat. I thought to myself, if Liz is gonna step outside the box, then I will too. So, I sat here trying to think of what I could do to "test" myself. The options in my mind were to drive to the little market and get the paper (0.30 miles from home), drive to Walgreens (1.46 miles) or drive to the consignment store (1.13 miles). (I just wanted to point out that it's been about 6 months since I've driven as far as Walgreens). As soon as I got in the car I called my sister. I guess I was looking for her to tell me what to do so that I didn't have to make the decision for myself. Her house is on the way to Walgreens so I decided to just start heading her direction. I knew that I would feel safe passing by her house. With some encouragement from her, I(we) decided that I would drive to the Walgreens, turn around and go back to her house. When I got about 2 blocks from my destination, I really started to feel out of body. I wasn't panicking but I felt like I was dreaming. I cranked up the stereo and rolled down the window about half way for some fresh air. I pulled into the parking lot and knew that I needed to park for a minute. I know that if I would have just drove in and out, I wouldn't have really experienced the moment like I should have. It's just like holding your breath when you're fending off panic. If I do something quickly without letting myself really feel the moment, it's as if I just held my breath until it was over. I decide after a couple minutes of sitting there that it's been long enough.... goal had been met.... I'm in the clear... so I head back to my sisters house. I tried to explain to her that I felt so disconnected. I didn't feel like it was me that drove there and when I think about it right now, it still doesn't seem real. It's like my mind leaves and I die inside. I think that's the way I've learned to cope over the years. I just turn off all emotion... good, bad or indifferent. I just push myself through the situation, holding my breath and praying that I'll come out the other side without freaking out.

I'll try to continue this story later. The kids are starting to bug me for lunch:)