Just Another Day...

So, today I wake up dreading the day like usual. I wake up feeling stressed about all the things that need to be done and not having the drive or energy to do any of them. It's the same deal, day after day. I used to be the kind of person to keep my house spotless. I was always cleaning and doing something. It made me feel good and in control. Over the last couple years that has all changed. After my last huge "relapse" with my anxiety, I got really depressed. I thought that I was over being like this. I thought I had gotten past it. It was like a slap in the face to realize the amount of control this disorder still had on me. The last couple years have been a real struggle for me. I feel like I've lost the will to do anything. I WANT to do them, I just can't get myself motivated enough to do much and just don't have the energy . Some days, I feel like I can hardly do more then sit at the computer for fear that if I get up and move around, it will cause my adrenaline to surge and I might have a panic attack. When I do get up and attempt to be productive, I get exhausted in a short period of time. I feel like it's all I can do to exist here in this life, in this body, in this mind. This only snowballs into making me feel like a crappy mom and a crappy wife. I know my husband gets frustrated when he comes home to a messy house and sees that I've accomplished nothing. The thing he doesn't understand is that sometimes that's all I can do. I wake up in the morning and look at the clock, hoping that the kids have slept in as late as possible. In my mind, the later I wake up, the shorter amount of time I will be here "alone". Not all days are like this, but most are. I feel like I'm just anxiously waiting for the day to be over... day after day. Damn, I hate this life!!! I want to be the person I used to be. I want to be able to function again. I feel like I've been fighting for so long. I'm getting tired. Why can't I just be like everybody else? What am I so afraid of???